Useful Language — Saying the Difficult Thing

The phrases that keep a hard conversation from becoming a fight.

Tap the speaker to hear each phrase. Then listen to the full conversation below.

Opening the conversation

Thanks for coming. I want to talk about something I have noticed, and I would rather do it now than later.
This is a conversation, not a warning.
I want to hear your side of this as well.
Let me say what I have seen, and then you tell me if I have it wrong.

Describing the behaviour, not the person

On three mornings last week you arrived after nine thirty.
The reports have gone out late four times this month.
I am not saying you do not care. I am saying it is happening.
Help me understand what is going on.

Staying calm when they react

I can see this is frustrating.
Take a moment if you need one.
I hear you, and I still need us to solve this.
That is fair, isn’t it?

Consequences and closing

If this continues, I would have to start a formal process, and I really do not want that.
If you can tell me what would help, I will try to make it happen.
So we have agreed two things. Let me write them down.
Let us look at this again in a month.

Listen: the conversation about lateness

Paolo: Thanks for coming, Elena. I want to talk about something I have noticed, and I would rather do it now than in six months.

Elena: If this is about the mornings, I always make the hours up. I stay until seven most days.

Paolo: I know you do, and the work is good. On three mornings last week you arrived after nine thirty. That is what I want to understand.

Elena: Does it matter, if the work gets done?

Paolo: It matters because the team notices, and because the nine o’clock handover happens without you. Help me understand what is going on.

Elena: My mother had a stroke in June. I take her to the clinic three mornings a week. I did not say anything because I did not want to be treated differently.

Paolo: I am sorry, I did not know. Thank you for telling me. That changes what we should be solving.

Elena: I do not want special treatment.

Paolo: This is not special treatment, it is a schedule. If we move your start to ten on those three days and the handover to ten fifteen, does that work?

Elena: That would work. Really.

Paolo: Good. I will write down what we agreed and send it to you, and we look at it again in a month. That is fair, isn’t it?

Notice that Paolo describes events, not character, and that the consequence arrives as a conditional (if we move your start…) rather than a threat. The question tag at the end checks agreement without pressure.